The Haunting

There are certain things over the past few years that have happened to me that i am convinced will only ever happen to me.  One of those things happened today. 
I've been working aggressively to expand my business interests internationally.  It's a fair enough plan.
Well, I've been dealing with a potentially big account in the Netherlands, which expands across much of Europe.  You know how things go - emails back and forth until we finally set up a conference call.  First thing i hear when I pick up the phone "Are you the Bad Scooter on MySpace with the sheep?"
My only natural reaction could be "what the fuck?" until I remembered something.  Years back, i apparently set up a Myspace page, with the following picture as my profile:

FUCK ME, I DID IT AGAIN.

Of course, I vehemently denied all and any association with the sadistic proprietor of this myspace page.
I'm still not sure why, but I am guilty of having, at one point or another, assembling a myspace page.  I do not remember doing this, and I'm sure i regret it, but it's there.  What's more interesting is what else is on the page.  On the homepage, under my profile, I openly profess to debauchery like prison rape, child molestation and insanity. I also make an allusion to being force fed pizza by Jennifer Aniston.
I'm no business mogul, but that cannot be what's commonly referred to as a "good first impression".


The full content of the incriminating profile is included after the jump.

Turtle Soup

I found this to be particularly fascinating.
Imagine you're an eight year old boy.  You've been raising a pet turtle for oh, i don't know, say about 2-3 years.  It's your first pet, and as with any first pet, eventually, it becomes too big to stay at home.  So, your mother, after months of pleading, finally convinces you that it's best for your turtle, Tomolina, to go live with other turtles at the aquarium, and finally, you agree.  There is, however, one crucial piece of information that mother neglected to share.  In addition to turtles, aquariums also house vicious predatory future hand-bags, commonly reffered to as "Alligators".  Alligators happen to have a sweet tooth for turtles.  Especially domestic turltes.  They're more tender.  I'm told. 
Now imagine releasing the turtle into its new enclosure, and turning around to hug your mother, only to hear the sickening sound of turtle shell crunching. "Oh, no! Alligator, let her go!" , the boy pleaded.  But to no avail, for his mothers demented plan to traumatize her son at an early age had succeeded.
Now you know how eight year old Colton of Penascola, Fl felt last Thursday

Young Money Democrat

I'm clearly not clever enough to come up with something like this on my own, but here's a "joke" that's been circulating a bit lately.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States . Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Whatever man, I don't know.

A Bit of Seriousness

A quick break from all the bullshit is in order, because I've got some serious business to bring to your attention.
Gilad Shalit is an Israeli soldier with dual French and Israeli citizenship.  When he was 19 years old, Hamas militants tunnelled their way across the border to Israel, and ambushed his unit in a rocket attack that left 4 dead, and Shalit injured.  Shalit was kidnapped in Summer 2006 at 19 years of age.  He has since spent 5 of his birthdays in the captivity of terrorists who have refused him even the most basic human rights.  Say what you will about Israel, but they are under the strict and watchful eye of the International Red Cross and allow visitation rights to prisoners.  Hamas, on the other hand, has kept Shalit isolated, and has offered no real evidence of his well being, except for an audio tape released in 2007 where Shalit pleads for his release, saying that he is in deteriorating health, and that he requires immediate and lengthy hospitalization.
Numerous overtures have been made to Hamas, from Israel, America, The EU, Egypt, and a very large contingency of the international community, but Hamas has refused to budge. 
At this point, we are not even asking for his release, realising that that is not, at this point, a reality.  We are simply asking for Gilad Shalit to be allowed visitation rights by Magen David Adom (the Israeli Red Cross), or the IRC.  This is by no means an unfounded request, as this is required by the Geneva Conventions on the treatment of prisoners of war.  With each day that goes by (about 4 1/2 years at this point), Hamas is blatantly and proudly breaching international law.  This is not only detrimental to the peace process, but, if you want to be regarded as a real member of the international community, you'd better goddman start acting like one.  In the international community, we do not treat prisoners in accordance with Islamic Law, we treat them in accordance to International Law.  Makes sense, doesn't it?
Anyways, the reason I'm telling you all this is because I'm basically begging you to take 5 seconds out of your day (assuming you joined the 21st century and got rid of your dial up internet) and sign a petition asking Tony Blair, Envoy to the Middle East on behalf of the UN, EU, US and Russia to demand that Shalit be granted the right to be visited by the IRC and/or Magen David Adom.  This is not an extreme request, we just want him to be allotted the same rights as every other prisoner on the planet.
Again, here's the link.
It's OK to do one good thing a day, but only one.  This should be that good thing.

That's A Lotta AIDs

Good luck living this one down:


http://www.tbd.com/blogs/amanda-hess/2010/10/hiv-positive-black-gay-men-to-get-the-bayard-rustin-project-a-district-campaign-against-aids-2873.html

Gotta Make It Through The Tunnel, Got A Meeting With A Man On The Other Side...

This is sort of what My dreams might look like tonight.

Apples and Oranges

I read something interesting today. I'm not sure whether or not you're all aware, but, this November, long-haired, dirty, jobless hippies all over California will finally have the opportunity to vote to legalize pot. Not medicinal pot, not decriminalize pot, but legalize pot.
Now, this is clearly a loaded issue, and before I go any further, allow me to clarify where I stand in relation to it.

Womb Emergence Commemoration

Happy Birthday, Herr Doktor Robert. I have assembled this offering in your honor. Luckily, I was able to secure a third mortgage, so I will be joining you for birthday Les Marais tomorrow.

New Feature

What?! Already?
I know what you're thinking.  If this page has only been up for about a day, how can these features be considered any newer than the rest of the glob?
Consider this, you just had your first baby.  It's a beautiful girl, healthy and all.  You name her after your  recently deceased mother.  You go to sleep peacefully, happily for the first time in a while.  You wake up refreshed and smiling the next day and go to check on your new baby.  Your baby now has a third arm.  That arm is about as new as the polls on the left border of the page.  Enjoy it.  I will change it as iI see fit.

Anal DS

After the events of tonight (no, not the sleep rape), we have added one and lost one. We are talking, of course, about the MLB playoffs. Whether you saw it or not, earlier tonight troubled musical genius and accomplished closer Brian Wilson got Melky Cabrera to ground out to my guy, Juan Uribe for the last out of the NLDS. Giants advance over Braves in Bobby Cox's (Coxeses?) final game before he retires and spends the remainder of his life yelling at cats.
So we've got the Fightin' Phils and the ex-New York Giants vying for a chance to represent the NL in the 2010 Fall Classic. Both teams starters will be well rested. In Game 1 we should see Doc Halladay, who hasn't given up a hit yet in the playoffs against the resurgent phenom, Timmay! Lincecum.