The Haunting

There are certain things over the past few years that have happened to me that i am convinced will only ever happen to me.  One of those things happened today. 
I've been working aggressively to expand my business interests internationally.  It's a fair enough plan.
Well, I've been dealing with a potentially big account in the Netherlands, which expands across much of Europe.  You know how things go - emails back and forth until we finally set up a conference call.  First thing i hear when I pick up the phone "Are you the Bad Scooter on MySpace with the sheep?"
My only natural reaction could be "what the fuck?" until I remembered something.  Years back, i apparently set up a Myspace page, with the following picture as my profile:

FUCK ME, I DID IT AGAIN.

Of course, I vehemently denied all and any association with the sadistic proprietor of this myspace page.
I'm still not sure why, but I am guilty of having, at one point or another, assembling a myspace page.  I do not remember doing this, and I'm sure i regret it, but it's there.  What's more interesting is what else is on the page.  On the homepage, under my profile, I openly profess to debauchery like prison rape, child molestation and insanity. I also make an allusion to being force fed pizza by Jennifer Aniston.
I'm no business mogul, but that cannot be what's commonly referred to as a "good first impression".


The full content of the incriminating profile is included after the jump.



TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey





Birthplace: elevator in loews cineplex on 2nd avenue




Current Location: international egg nog tasting facilities




Eye Color: varies due to pigmentation disorder




Hair Color: see "eye color"




Height: 5'9 but I'm usually stepping on a midget




Right Handed or Left Handed: neither




Your Heritage: i come from a long line of war criminals




The Shoes You Wore Today: i took off of a sleeping hobo




Your Weakness: people jingling keys right out of my reach




Your Fears: prison rape




Your Perfect Pizza: force fed to me by jennifer aniston




Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "send help"




Thoughts First Waking Up: how long until the orderlies remove my straps?




Your Best Physical Feature: my armadillo-like armored spine




Your Bedtime: when the meds kick in




Your Most Missed Memory: spending quality time with Ho Chi Minh




Pepsi or Coke: Nurse Ratched doesn't let me eat sugar




McDonald's or Burger King: neither, although i was head executioner for the King of Burger in the 90's




Single or Group Dates: in accordance with Megan's law i must be with a chaperon




Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: formaldehyde




Chocolate or Vanilla: trick question, if i say vanilla it makes me a racist, and if i say chocolate it means i am denying being a racist which definitely makes me a racist. but seriously, i like chocolate




Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino, the white foam on top of the brown liquid soothes me for some reason




Do you Smoke: only after vasectomies




Do you Swear: with vigor




Do you Sing: i whimper




Do you Shower Daily: yes, but not always with water




Have you Been in Love: yes, once but she found out and moved away




Do you want to go to College: i am thriving in college with a healthy 2.00 GPA




Do you want to get Married: yeah, but she has to be awake this time, I'm not going through that "i was drunk" shit again




Do you believe in yourself: too existential, next question please




Do you get Motion Sickness: once, on the teacup ride at Disney




Do you think you are Attractive: once the implants take shape I'll be fine




Are you a Health Freak: no, just a plain, run of the mill freak




Do you get along with your Parents: i did, until the incident




Do you like Thunderstorms: i dance with the lightning




Do you play an Instrument: yes, i have a fondness for dental instruments




In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: i squeeze it off the cotton swab at the doctor's office




In the past month have you Smoked: no, but i have juggled




In the past month have you been on Drugs: only enemas




In the past month have you gone on a Date: i did lunch with Saddam Hussein's lawyers




In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yeah but i was caught in the revolving door and had to go to the hospital




In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: yes, the plastic went down pretty rough though




In the past month have you eaten Sushi: yes, in fact, i hunt my own sushi




In the past month have you been on Stage: yes, at the annual AMA seminar, i was test subject C




In the past month have you been Dumped: yes, but it wasn't so bad i was able to survive on scraps within the dumpster until it was opened the following Monday




In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: not willingly




In the past month have you Stolen Anything: just hopes and dreams




Ever been Drunk: I'm a solid, how can i possibly be drunk?




Ever been called a Tease: you'd be surprised what they'll call you when you're dangling the antidote in front of their eyes




Ever been Beaten up: yes, i have standing appointments through next march, Wednesday is walk in day




Ever Shoplifted: does an acquittal count?




How do you want to Die: a quiet peaceful heart attack while I'm piloting a 747 with 300 passengers




What do you want to be when you Grow Up: a fire engine




What country would you most like to Visit: Malawi which is just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads.




In a Boy/Girl..




Favourite Eye Color: albino red




Favourite Hair Color: rainbow




Short or Long Hair: long enough to be sheared and turned into a whip




Height: taller than a tiger shark




Weight: depends on the weather




Best Clothing Style: courtney love crack whore style




Number of Drugs I have taken: i have only experimented with flintstones vitamins




Number of CDs I own: i bought MC Hammers golden album on eBay last year




Number of Piercings: one, on my duodenum




Number of Tattoos: none, i have an intense fear of ink




Number of things in my Past I Regret: just one... i wish i had never signed up with the shoprite price plus club, its just such a painful memory